The Napper

Essays on what I know. I know naps.

Why You Should Stop Tweeting and Call Your Parents- Sarah Petersen

As I sat eating my breakfast of runny eggs, toast, and too much tea, I found myself desperately wanting to tweet about my breakfast. Or instagram it. Or put it on facebook. I suddenly realized that sharing what I’d had for breakfast was not a life-changing moment and that no one cared. Let’s be real, I don’t want to know what my best friend had for breakfast, I could call her and find out, but it is not something I give two shits about.

So why did I have this overwhelming desire to share with my internet friends what I had eaten? Would sharing this make my breakfast a more realistic experience? No.

I like to over share on the internet. I do not like to over share in real life. I don’t tell everyone what I did all day while at my brother’s house, and I don’t want to know what someone else did while at their parents’ house. The internet, though, makes me want to share. The internet makes me feel like everyone is just dying to know every last detail about my life. I just know that all my twitter followers wake up each morning with bated breath waiting for me to tweet how many cups of tea I had with my breakfast and what I ate for breakfast and what I read while I ate. The internet makes me think I am more popular than I am. The internet is a great deceiver, like Saruman, only without the forest destruction.

I haven’t tweeted about my meals in a long time, and I felt that tweeting about how happy runny eggs make me in the morning would be just the thing to tweet, instagram, and share with my facebook friends. It is not. I normally get fed up with people who constantly tweet and instagram their every meal. Do these people think that the world will think that they’re starving to death if the whole of the internet doesn’t know what meals and snacks and cocktails they consumed that day? My friends and I have a running joke that if one of us didn’t post a picture of our food that day on instagram then surely that person went hungry that day. Quick, call the eating disorders clinic! We are weird.

It is time to dispense with over sharing our every meal and drink and afternoon quickie, just kidding, totally tweet to the world about the amazing quickie you and your partner just had. I need those to get through my day; it’s good to know someone is getting some. Instead of telling the world, call your parents. They love knowing all about your day, and chances are it will keep them from asking why you aren’t fully employed and how that book of yours is coming.

So, from now on, when I have a need to over share, I’m just going to call my mother. She loves knowing every detail about my life.

A Guide to Finding a Husband for the Young Southern Lady

Nowadays it seems like everyone I know is getting married. Which is crazy, because I figure, I am only 24, why is everyone in such a rush to get married? Then I remember that I’m from the Deep South and that getting married young is the thing to do.

Since I am so far behind my peers, I think I need a guide so that I can get on that man catching wagon and get hitched. I thought about asking my mother, aunts, and other southern ladies that I know for tips, but I figure I have heard them talk about finding a husband enough that I can come up with my own tips.

  1. Dye your hair a shade of blonde.

Everyone I know that has gotten married or engaged recently has big, blonde, beauty queen hair. I have short brown hair. I think it’s time for extensions and a dye job.

  1. Go to church.

This one is very important in life in the Bible Belt. If you don’t please Jesus, then you’ll surely die alone and have eight cats. Better stock up on allergy meds if you’re not down with the big man upstairs. Church is a great place to pick up men. The ones that aren’t married are surely looking to get married, and luckily for them you’re at church and are available.

  1. Join the Country Club and play tennis, daily.

Go to the country club. Play tennis in your Lilly sportswear, but be careful to not break a sweat. Ladies do not sweat. If you do sweat, towel off before you enter the clubhouse for a post round cocktail and reapply your mascara. The doctors and lawyers inside want you to look your best so that they have an easier time imagining your life together.

  1. Join the Junior League

I’ve never been to a Junior League Event, but I’m pretty sure that all that happens is hair tips and where the next banquet to benefit poor children is going to be held. With all those benefits you’re going to need a date. Luckily for you, your best friend at the league has a handsome brother who just graduated from Wake Forest’s law school.

  1. Meet your mother’s friends’ sons or the men your mom loves.

By now, if you’re in need of a guide to find a husband, then your mother probably has a backlog of men she finds perfect for you. Ask her about them, and then date every single one of them. Unless the first one happens to be a doctor or a lawyer, if that’s the case, marry him. If your mother somehow does not have a list of men that she wants you to marry, ask her friends. Her friends probably have sons about your age, and they would love nothing more than for a fine lady like you to marry them.

I would be happy to add going to your favorite bars and hooking up with randos there, but a lady would never do that. A southern lady is first and foremost always a virgin, but a fiend in the sack. A southern lady doesn’t need to go to the bars to find a date, because she can find one on a Wednesday afternoon at the clubhouse.

By following these easy tips, you are sure to find a suitable husband. One who will love and adore you and foot the bill on your amex.